Fair as Fair Can Be
by Phnx
Summary: A cracky Reborn-style parody of Grimm's "Little Snow-White." Warnings: mild profanity, implied slash implied 8059 and 27K


**Title:** Fair as Fair Can Be  
**Series:** _Katekyou Hitman Reborn!_  
**Character/Pairing:** Weak 8059, 27K, Fuuta, Ryouhei, Bianchi, Arcobaleno  
**Genre:** Fairytale Parody  
**Warning:** General stupidity  
**Rating:** T for slight profanity and failed dastardly plans  
**Word Count:** 1,830  
**Description:** A cracky _Reborn!_-style parody of Grimm's "Little Snow-White."  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own _Reborn!_

_Once upon a time in the middle of winter, when the flakes of snow were falling like feathers from the sky,_ there were presumably beautiful princesses with unusual skin pigment being born, as such things are prone to happen; however, the focus of this story is instead a wedding that would shortly be taking place between King Tsuna X and his long-term crush, Sasagawa Kyoko. The entire kingdom rejoiced at the happiness of their monarch, especially that portion of the kingdom that consisted of Gokudera Hayato, the proud Best Man.

However, as Gokudera was going about his duties one day, he overheard two of the wedding guests from a rival kingdom making some nasty comment about the bride's appearance. Naturally, he sorted them out quickly, but as he watched them limp painfully away he had to wonder: was the boss really getting the bride he deserved?

And so Gokudera planted himself squarely in front of Fuuta, the resident Magic Mirror, and said:

_"Looking-glass, Looking-glass, on the wall,__  
__Who in this land is the fairest of all?"_

"Er… Gokudera-san," Fuuta replied nervously, "you don't really have to say the whole poem, you can just—"

"Answer the damn question!"

"Right, right. The person who ranks first of the 908, 653 in the kingdom with regards to fairness is Tsuna-nii—"

This, Gokudera felt, was only natural.

"—And the person who ranks second is Yamamoto Takeshi."

…Who the hell was that?

Gokudera spent the next few hours digging up information about this Yamamoto Takeshi, but quickly grew impatient due to the sheer _lameness_ of this guy's life—dad owns restaurant, aspires to be great baseball player, works as one of the king's primary guards… boring, boring guy. Well, maybe not so much that last bit, but still. And this—this _baseball idiot_ was supposedly the most beautiful person in the kingdom (under the godly boss, of course)? How was that even possible?

Gokudera knew what he had to do. He _had_ to get this Yamamoto guy out of the picture so that the boss would have the most beautiful bride in the kingdom and wouldn't be mortified in front of all the rival guests.

…It might be wise to admit, at this point, that Gokudera's mind didn't generally like to travel the beaten path. It did, in fact, like to travel the extreme, rugged type of terrain, often at very high velocities. Gokudera also didn't like making u-turns, and instead preferred to see his chosen path out to the bitter end (which usually consisted of King Tsuna telling him gently, "Gokudera-kun… I think you should take a vacation…"). And so once Gokudera came to the illogical and rather deranged conclusion that the assassination of Yamamoto Takeshi would make the already-more-than-content-in-each-other royal couple even happier, and that failing to assassinate Yamamoto would instigate a dire onslaught of loud laughter at his beloved boss, Gokudera was absolutely going through with this no matter what.

"DUDE, THIS IS EXTREME!"

…And to think that he'd been trying to do this idiot a _favour_ by giving the chance to protect his younger sister from certain humiliation. Never again.

"Listen, moron, all you have to do is—"

"DID SAWADA APPROVE THIS EXTREME PLAN!"

"Shut up. No, I want to protect the boss from this for as long as possible."

"THIS IS EXTREMELY UNUSUAL!"

"ARGH! Nevermind, Lawnhead. Get lost."

And so Gokudera began to draw up a new plan to kill Yamamoto that didn't involve random idiots, including but not limited to one Sasagawa Ryouhei, the older brother of the royal bride-to-be. However, later that day Ryouhei approached Gokudera to inform him that the task had been completed "TO THE EXTREME! OBSERVE MY EXTREMELY BROKEN KNUCKLES!"

Gokudera was thrilled, and immediately set out to corner Fuuta again.

"_Looking-glass, Looking-glass, on the wall—"_

"Listen, you reeeeeally don't need to—"

"—I _said_,

" _Looking-glass, Looking-glass, on the wall__  
__Who in this land is the fairest of all?"_

When dealing with the occult, Gokudera was damn well going to do it _right_.

"Oh, that again? Hmmm… It's still the same. Tsuna-nii ranks first, and Yamamoto Takeshi second."

"WHAT? No, no, no—that guy's _dead_."

Fuuta stared at him blankly. "Er… No, I'm pretty sure he's not… Was there anything else?"

Stupid. Fucking. Ryouhei. It took only the work of a few moments and some particularly creative threats to discover from some of the palace staff what had actually happened.. The moron had slipped Yamamoto Takeshi out of the palace and hidden him in a private training facility belonging to some elite group of babies known as the Seven Arcobaleno. _Then_ Lawnhead had gone and beaten a boulder to dust to tear his knuckles.

Gokudera decides that confronting Ryouhei about this could wait until he'd calmed down, as the boss would probably be upset if Gokudera blew up the brother of the bride. In the meantime, Gokudera decided to forego sending off subordinates and instead made to take care of this important task entirely by himself.

The next day found Gokudera adeptly setting bombs throughout the entire vicinity of the training grounds Yamamoto was staying at while the occupants themselves had gone off for a lunch break.

Gokudera returned home satisfied, feeling only a twinge of regret that the training grounds were too far away from him to hear the explosion. He waited a few hours, just to be sure, and then headed once again toward Fuuta.

"_Looking-glass, Looking-glass, on the wall,__  
__Who in this land is the fairest of all?"_

Fuuta twitched slightly, but nonetheless answered, "It's still the same, Gokudera-san. Tsuna-nii first and Yamamoto-san second."

Fuuta managed to escape from Gokudera's clasp during the resultant tantrum, but Gokudera managed to piece together what must have happened himself. The baseball idiot was staying with some elite group, right? So they probably defused all of the explosives Gokudera had planted around the base. Of course. Why didn't he consider them before?

Not to be dissuaded from his task, Gokudera painstakingly created a baseball-shaped bomb and gift wrapped it. There was no way the idiot would suspect a baseball of doing him harm. It was perfect!

However, when Gokudera found Fuuta hiding in an unused pantry—

"_Looking-glass, Looking-glass, on the wall,__  
__Who in this land is the fairest of all?"_

"IT'S STILL THE SAME! STOP ASKING ME!"

-He discovered that Yamamoto, apparently, had _still_ not been eliminated. Damn.

It occurred to Gokudera that bombs might not work in this case. Well, fine. As the king's right hand man, he knew countless ways to kill people. …At the moment, though, he couldn't seem to think of any that didn't involve large-scale explosions of some kind.

This could be a problem.

Someone had once told Gokudera that in times of trouble there was no one better to lend a helping hand than a family member. Gokudera obviously knew this to be completely wrong, but it was true that people who stayed around his family for any length of time tended to mysteriously disappear. It was with this in mind that he went to his sister Bianchi—the palace cook whom he not-so-fondly referred to as "the evil witch"—for advice.

After suffering through severe abdominal trauma, Gokudera managed to escape from his sister's maniacal clutches holding a poisoned apple so deadly that even one tiny bite was fatal.

As soon as he had recovered, Gokudera set off to the training facility for the last time. He felt strange—buoyant, heady—knowing that his task was finally almost completed. Soon, King Tsuna the Tenth would finally be guaranteed happiness. He knocked on the door to the facility, beaming.

However, the person who answered the door was not what he was expecting.

"Shit," breathed Gokudera, "you really _are_ hot."

Yamamoto laughed. "Thanks!" he said. "So are you!"

Huh.

…Whatever. Gokudera was preparing to shove the poisoned apple down Yamamoto's throat when Tsuna appeared, fiancée and crew in tow.

"Boss!" said Gokudera, momentarily distracted from his task due to the joy of seeing his king. "What are you doing here?"

Tsuna hesitated slightly, but then replied, "Er… We were just coming to pick up Yamamoto-kun and the Arcobaleno for the wedding. Er… What were _you_ doing here, Gokudera-kun?"

"Yes—I didn't know that you and Yamamoto-kun were already friends, Gokudera-kun," said Kyoko cheerfully.

Gokudera explained the situation calmly—Tsuna obviously deserved the most beautiful person in the kingdom, and Fuuta had told him that Yamamoto was #2, surpassed only by Tsuna himself. Thus, Yamamoto needed to be eliminated so that he didn't distract from Kyoko's beauty. As he told his story, Gokudera wondered if Tsuna had eaten one of Bianchi's cookies—he looked a bit green. Fuuta, however, started.

"But, Gokudera-san," Fuuta began, "You didn't ask who the most beautiful person is… You asked who the most _fair_ is."

"They mean the same thing in this context, dumbass," snapped Gokudera, irritated at having been interrupted from bathing in the boss's majestic aura. "In mystical circumstances it's necessary to subscribe to archaic beauty standards, if only in the wording of the request."

"Oh… er… I was thinking you meant 'fair' as in 'just' or 'reasonable,' so that was what I based my rankings on…"

The awkward silence that followed was eventually broken by Yamamoto's laughter. "So Gokudera thinks I'm the second most beautiful person in the kingdom?"

Gokudera flushed. "No! Shut up, idiot."

Still, after grudgingly reconsidering the situation, Gokudera had to admit that he probably no longer needed to kill Yamamoto.

"…I'm glad," said Tsuna uncertainly. "But, um… Gokudera-kun… I'm sure that Kyoko-chan isn't the most beautiful person in the kingdom—sorry Kyoko—but that's okay, because I love her for things other than her beauty. So, um… Please don't kill anyone, okay? No matter who ranks higher than Kyoko-chan in any skill, she's the one I want to marry. So… yeah." Tsuna stuttered to a halt, blushing, and shyly reaching out to grasp Kyoko's hand. "Um… a-anyway, Gokudera-kun, you've caused Yamamoto a lot of problems in the past little while, so I think that maybe y-you should do something to make it up to him."

"Huh? Sure boss!" Gokudera swung toward Yamamoto once again and shoved his finger into Yamamoto's face, suddenly scowling. "You! Decide quickly."

Yamamoto rubbed the back of his neck, laughing. "Gokudera sure seems like an interesting person! Maybe we can go to the wedding together as dates, so that we can get to know each other better."

Gokudera spluttered, "EH? Why would I want someone like you as a date, baseball idiot?"

"You're so funny, Gokudera! I'm sure you'll make a great date!"

Turns out, he was right. Gokudera had a blast with Yamamoto—not that he'd ever admit it. Best of all was the boss's glowing smile when he saw Gokudera and Yamamoto getting along. So maybe it was a good thing after all that Gokudera didn't kill Yamamoto… Though he kept the poisoned apple on hand, just in case.

END

[A/N: When I was originally planning this, I was going to include cracky illustrations. Fortunately for the eyes of all, this proved to be too tiresome, and a text-only version was produced instead.

The brief quotations in italics are from, as you might have guessed, "Little Snow White," which I pulled from the Pantheon Fairy Tale & Folklore Library edition of _The Complete Grimm's Fairy Tales_ based on the translation by Margaret Hunt. So...yeah.]


End file.
